Thoughts of a girl.... I lost touch with....

I don't even know how to start this post, but I feel like I'm in a spot where I feel like I don't have a good grip on my feelings.   I found out this morning that a girl who I went to high school with died on Wednesday.    Now mind you I remember being friends with her in middle school and high school.   She was sweet and funny.  Sometimes goofy - but after high school I lost touch with a whole lot of people.   I just didn't try to stay in touch and when the reunion things came around to be honest I never really felt good about high school - who I was,  where I was in my life, or any of those things so I avoided those reunions at all costs.   Now fast forward to today a little over 12 years since I graduated from high school.  I find out this morning that Julie Steiskal, the girl I was talking about drowned trying to save a youth from her church who'd slipped & fallen.   This young girl and Julie drown in the Temperance river in northern Minnesota.   I feel conflicted and sad - that Julie died trying to help someone else. Looking  online at all the news stories,  I found Julie's website and that she did photography.   www.juliesteiskal.com  - after looking through her website today I felt that I wish I would have taken the time to keep in touch with her.   She literally lived 15 minutes from me.   Which all this time I had no idea.   I guess it just goes to show that maybe I need to be more open and also to look around me and cherish those in my life that I have been blessed with - I can't help but feel sad for Julie's family and friends who were close to her, because even though I hadn't seen her in all those years she still has that beautiful smile that I remember from being in band, choir, & school together.   I've been praying all day for Julie, her family, and her friends.   I don't know why this accident has touched me so - but I have to wonder if it's God reminding me how precious our time is everyday.   How we should cherish the ones we love the ones we have because none of us know that the next moment could be our last.   I have to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason, it just makes me sad that someone who was always so sweet and funny could be gone in a blink of an eye trying to help another.   If any of you out there read this post and find it in your hearts to pray for Julie, her family and friends that would be wonderful.   Thank you ahead of time.  

I guess I didn't realize how much feeling I had about this almost like regret that I didn't know who she became or who she was at this point in her life.   Not that I had all the control in the situation - but my heart hurts for her family and friends.   I wish I could put my feelings into words more eloquently - but I just don't know how else to describe the way I'm feeling right now.   As the tears stream down my face,  I'm praying for peace for both families of the girls who were taken in that rushing river.  

Article on Adoption Benefits

Check out the article I found on CNN.com tonight!    This is a good thing! 

Last Weekend

Last weekend I did the walk & roll in our town with my sister & IV.   My mom works for State Farm and she had a tent at the walk & roll.   Not to brag, but I think we are some pretty cute ladies.  My mom emailed me the picture.  We walked & IV rolled in her stroller.   It was a great day!   We had so much fun!   Can't wait to do it again next year!   

AJ, Mom, IV, & Me

C'mon Go VOTE & Prayer Request!

Check this out link

Please go & vote for Max's mom Sira - so that she can have a wonderful wedding!  

Here's a link to Sira's blog 

Have a great day!   

Nn another note,  I don't want to say a specific person but a friend of mine could really use prayers right now,  I can't say her name on the public blog - but I'm sure God knows who I have in  mind and what her families situation is - could you please pray for her.   She is such a sweet gal and so supportive and I really look up to her (even though she's younger than I am - HA!)!  Thanks folks & have a great day! 

A post that touched my heart...

So I read this post.

It made me feel so much.  It made me feel like I don't understand people.   So I wrote a comment to Angie - the blog's author because I want her to know that not everyone out there is like those people who did that to her.   So I wrote her a response and I wanted to make sure and share it with all who read my blog.  Please take a look below.  

Dear Angie - I wanted you to know that I found your blog though Adrienne's Blog (Owen) - I'm a single gal looking to adopt; actually better to put it this way - I'm a single gal who's still hoping to get married and then adopt!   I've posted a few comments here and there of encouragement and love.  I've said prayers for you, Audrey, your husband, your girls and the rest of your family.  I check your blog every few days in hopes of seeing how you are doing be it bad or good.  I'm sorry to hear that someone would have mis-represented themselves to you and that is why I wanted to post a comment today so I didn't seem like a blog stalker, who never posts a comment and never lets you know I'm around checking, praying and hoping things will go better for you and your entire family.  I'm here to say that (from knowledge that I've gained in the past year) in my own personal experiences sometimes people take out their hurt on others.  I'm not sure why this is or why they feel compelled to do these things?  I know that my situation is not anywhere near yours...  (I'm sure you haven't had time to check out my blog) but it seems like when things go well in my life others sometimes feel compelled to tear me down.  It's up to me what I do with my hurt and disappointment though - and I choose everyday to keep evolving, changing, and working to be the best person that I can be - the gal that God meant for me to be.  All that being said doesn't take away the hurt that is sometimes caused by and it's not meant to really just that on a daily basis we all have to choose how to react to everything around us.   I want you to know that as much as I don't know you very well and have only read your blog - I enjoy who you are and how you share and that you are honest and caring.  I aspire to be more like that as I evolve into the gal that the Lord meant me to be.  Maybe that is the reason I happened in on your blog about Audrey so that I would see some of the things that are admirable in others.   One never knows why certain people touch our hearts, but I tend to believe it's the Lord's way of sending us in the right direction.... his God breezes. 

Now that I've shared with you all how I feel that God touches our lives - I just wanted to let all of my blog friends who've taken the time to be supportive, caring, and loving to me, my family, and friends that I cherish all of you.   I believe that God brings people together for reasons that may never be known to all of us.   I've prayed for each and everyone of my blog friends and you are all special to me in many different ways.  The fact that I'm inspired and touched by your stories that I learn and am taught and I'm able to share my ideas, feelings, and stories is a wonderful thing for me.   I hope that I help all of you as much as I can as well even if it is in being a sounding board.   I feel blessed to have 'met' each and everyone of you.   Thanks for all you do for me, the Lord, and each other this network is important & so special.   

UPDATE

Hey - I'm updating my blog from being gone on several occasions and then there have been some posts that I'd been working on for a while - so if you want to see them all make sure that you scroll all the way down to see all of the latest posts.  I think I did 4 posts yesterday, but I'm dating them when they should have been posted so that they are in order. 

MJ

Adoption - beware this post ... has some landminds!

Word of advice: reader beware ... blogger is thinking out loud and using said blog as a sounding board!

Has anyone used this agency?

Children's Home Society - if so could you give me some information about it & what you think ?

http://www.childrenshomeadopt.org/home.html

I've been thinking about adopting so much lately; in fact it's on my mind so much it's hard to focus on other things. I've been thinking about switching programs from Russia to Ethiopia? I've been thinking about switching agencies because the agency that I loved CHI - doesn't have a representative in Minnesota anymore. I've been thinking about switching agencies as well because CHI doesn't allow singles to adopt from anywhere but Russia unless you want an older child and I've heard about so many problems with Kaz. I had been toying with the idea of Vietnam for a while but with the government shut downs - I'm sure it wouldn't be a great idea to get my hopes up for that - then I started reading this blog http://russianbrown.blogspot.com/ and thought that maybe open adoption might be something I could be interested in after all.
I'm held back by my desire to be a stay at home mom. Is that wrong to want that even though I haven't found a prince charming? I know that there are people out there who say I should give it some time and give myself a chance to meet someone. I think in my head that they are right, but in my heart I long to be a mom. Question is should I wait in hopes of having everything that I've dreamed of .... ie: a husband, a child, being able to be a homemaker - which by the way is a great profession. I know that when i was a nanny, I really really loved it. Even though I did go to school at night and it was hard to hand the babies over at the end of the day. I was always excited for them to wake up in the morning just so I could see their little faces. I know that when you become a parent that you give up things like being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, but when what I really want is to make a home for a family/husband/child - are you really giving up something that you'll miss. I've read that quote that goes something like this: 'We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -Joseph Campbell. Maybe that is what parenthood is really like - you give up the life that you've built as a single person or a couple to make way for the life that is waiting filled with children and all that comes with them. I have talked to some other single adoptive moms - who say it's the best decision that they've ever made. I haven't heard any comments that are negative from singles who have become adoptive parents. I guess it might make me feel better if I heard something from someone like Melissa at http://www.child-of-mine.blogspot.com/. She is honest about her feelings and I'm not saying that the single moms aren't - but on most blogs you don't hear about the tough times. I guess I'm just not sure what I want to do, should I wait and take my time to see what is suppose to happen for me? Keep working on myself? Or do I just go ahead with an adoption, because being a parent is what I want and then hope for the best if I'm unhappy because I have to drop my child off at daycare for 10 hours a day while I'm commuting/working? Even though it breaks my heart to say that out loud - I'm trying to be realistic about what a person is going to face. How will I work on attachment issues when my child is with someone else for the majority of her day? Sighs... this is my argument that I have with myself when I think about adopting because I can't tell if I'm being selfish for wanting a child that I can't spend as much time with as I'd like to ... or am I just worrying about things that won't really matter to me once the child is here?

Does any of this make sense to anyone ... feel free to comment - at this point I'm so frustrated I don't even know what to think? I know there are fellow bloggers out there in both situations where they work &/or don't work outside the home. There are single ladies who have adopted and who I envy at their decision making skills and their ability to make it through all this on their own. I guess I'm just struggling with what is right for me & building my family. Does anyone now wonder why I haven't moved forward with an adoption or turned in an application? I have filled them out and completed and signed them. I just can't answer these questions that loom for me like a dark shadowy cloud - so I hesitate about turning it in. When I pray about it - I still feel un-certain so I keep wondering if that is God's way of telling me it's not time for you Mandy? Maybe the thing I need to learn is listening for the signs and patience for the sign to be clear? Sighs.....

Please tell me what you all think ....

Follow up ... on Previous Two Posts

So in my previous two posts ... I've talked about the fact that I'm struggling.

Have you ever had one of those times in your life where you feel like you are reaching certain goals, but at the same time other things are just coming apart at the seams? I feel like I don't have any close friends anymore; for example other than my sister and the folks that I hang out with from my 4 wheeling club. I'm really lacking in the friend department. I don't have girlfriends that I can call and grab some dinner. Girlfriends that I can call and go shopping! Girlfriends who would like to grab some coffee and talk about the day. Sometimes that just makes me feel lonesome. I feel like I used to have lots of girlfriends to hang out & chat. These days everyone is just so busy those times are a rarity.

Now I'm not at all trying to down play the time that I spend with my sister & IV - I spend a lot of time with them in fact most of my time that I'm not working or sleeping I spend with them, partially due to the lacking in the friend department. Not that I don't enjoy spending time with AJ & IV - because I do so much; it's just I've started to wonder about my life changing. I know that everyone goes through changes in their lives & maybe mine has to due with my changing jobs, changing habits, or just growing apart? I'm really not sure?

As I sit here in my goal jeans that I bought last July - I keep wondering; when you change on the outside and then slowly change on the inside - are you the only one that is effected or is everyone around you effected as well? Do I push people away by talking about the changes that I've made in my life? Is it my appearance? Is it that I'm not the same person that others enjoyed being friends with? I don't know? Maybe my struggle lies within all of these questions? I want to be honest about the fact that there are things that are happening that I'm telling you a year ago I would've sworn up and down that would never happen to me and my girlfriends.

Shortly after I started my new job; I started praying about it and asking the Lord to send me a new friend. I have made a new friend at the office and she's a great gal. She likes to go running at lunch with me! It's so fun. I'm hoping that our new friendship will blossom into having someone to talk to and have fun with! I'm very happy that I've made a new friend. I guess I just have to pray and hope that everything turns out for the best. I guess I just wonder what I've done wrong. Or is it about doing something wrong as much as it is about people changing? I don't know I guess, which leaves me a little frustrated, because I just want to know what causes things to happen. Possibly so that I can avoid said things in the future.

I know that I don't usually post about being upset or having frustrations, but I want to be honest at the same time and let you all know why I've been having some trouble posting lately. This is one of the things that is bothering me so I'm putting it out there for the world to see.... As well as the fact that I've again been thinking about my adoption wishes and it troubles me as well ... but I'll save that for my next post!

I hope that this finds you all happy and healthy! Many blessings - MandyJo