Adoption - beware this post ... has some landminds!

Word of advice: reader beware ... blogger is thinking out loud and using said blog as a sounding board!

Has anyone used this agency?

Children's Home Society - if so could you give me some information about it & what you think ?

http://www.childrenshomeadopt.org/home.html

I've been thinking about adopting so much lately; in fact it's on my mind so much it's hard to focus on other things. I've been thinking about switching programs from Russia to Ethiopia? I've been thinking about switching agencies because the agency that I loved CHI - doesn't have a representative in Minnesota anymore. I've been thinking about switching agencies as well because CHI doesn't allow singles to adopt from anywhere but Russia unless you want an older child and I've heard about so many problems with Kaz. I had been toying with the idea of Vietnam for a while but with the government shut downs - I'm sure it wouldn't be a great idea to get my hopes up for that - then I started reading this blog http://russianbrown.blogspot.com/ and thought that maybe open adoption might be something I could be interested in after all.
I'm held back by my desire to be a stay at home mom. Is that wrong to want that even though I haven't found a prince charming? I know that there are people out there who say I should give it some time and give myself a chance to meet someone. I think in my head that they are right, but in my heart I long to be a mom. Question is should I wait in hopes of having everything that I've dreamed of .... ie: a husband, a child, being able to be a homemaker - which by the way is a great profession. I know that when i was a nanny, I really really loved it. Even though I did go to school at night and it was hard to hand the babies over at the end of the day. I was always excited for them to wake up in the morning just so I could see their little faces. I know that when you become a parent that you give up things like being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, but when what I really want is to make a home for a family/husband/child - are you really giving up something that you'll miss. I've read that quote that goes something like this: 'We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -Joseph Campbell. Maybe that is what parenthood is really like - you give up the life that you've built as a single person or a couple to make way for the life that is waiting filled with children and all that comes with them. I have talked to some other single adoptive moms - who say it's the best decision that they've ever made. I haven't heard any comments that are negative from singles who have become adoptive parents. I guess it might make me feel better if I heard something from someone like Melissa at http://www.child-of-mine.blogspot.com/. She is honest about her feelings and I'm not saying that the single moms aren't - but on most blogs you don't hear about the tough times. I guess I'm just not sure what I want to do, should I wait and take my time to see what is suppose to happen for me? Keep working on myself? Or do I just go ahead with an adoption, because being a parent is what I want and then hope for the best if I'm unhappy because I have to drop my child off at daycare for 10 hours a day while I'm commuting/working? Even though it breaks my heart to say that out loud - I'm trying to be realistic about what a person is going to face. How will I work on attachment issues when my child is with someone else for the majority of her day? Sighs... this is my argument that I have with myself when I think about adopting because I can't tell if I'm being selfish for wanting a child that I can't spend as much time with as I'd like to ... or am I just worrying about things that won't really matter to me once the child is here?

Does any of this make sense to anyone ... feel free to comment - at this point I'm so frustrated I don't even know what to think? I know there are fellow bloggers out there in both situations where they work &/or don't work outside the home. There are single ladies who have adopted and who I envy at their decision making skills and their ability to make it through all this on their own. I guess I'm just struggling with what is right for me & building my family. Does anyone now wonder why I haven't moved forward with an adoption or turned in an application? I have filled them out and completed and signed them. I just can't answer these questions that loom for me like a dark shadowy cloud - so I hesitate about turning it in. When I pray about it - I still feel un-certain so I keep wondering if that is God's way of telling me it's not time for you Mandy? Maybe the thing I need to learn is listening for the signs and patience for the sign to be clear? Sighs.....

Please tell me what you all think ....