Thoughts of a girl.... I lost touch with....

I don't even know how to start this post, but I feel like I'm in a spot where I feel like I don't have a good grip on my feelings.   I found out this morning that a girl who I went to high school with died on Wednesday.    Now mind you I remember being friends with her in middle school and high school.   She was sweet and funny.  Sometimes goofy - but after high school I lost touch with a whole lot of people.   I just didn't try to stay in touch and when the reunion things came around to be honest I never really felt good about high school - who I was,  where I was in my life, or any of those things so I avoided those reunions at all costs.   Now fast forward to today a little over 12 years since I graduated from high school.  I find out this morning that Julie Steiskal, the girl I was talking about drowned trying to save a youth from her church who'd slipped & fallen.   This young girl and Julie drown in the Temperance river in northern Minnesota.   I feel conflicted and sad - that Julie died trying to help someone else. Looking  online at all the news stories,  I found Julie's website and that she did photography.   www.juliesteiskal.com  - after looking through her website today I felt that I wish I would have taken the time to keep in touch with her.   She literally lived 15 minutes from me.   Which all this time I had no idea.   I guess it just goes to show that maybe I need to be more open and also to look around me and cherish those in my life that I have been blessed with - I can't help but feel sad for Julie's family and friends who were close to her, because even though I hadn't seen her in all those years she still has that beautiful smile that I remember from being in band, choir, & school together.   I've been praying all day for Julie, her family, and her friends.   I don't know why this accident has touched me so - but I have to wonder if it's God reminding me how precious our time is everyday.   How we should cherish the ones we love the ones we have because none of us know that the next moment could be our last.   I have to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason, it just makes me sad that someone who was always so sweet and funny could be gone in a blink of an eye trying to help another.   If any of you out there read this post and find it in your hearts to pray for Julie, her family and friends that would be wonderful.   Thank you ahead of time.  

I guess I didn't realize how much feeling I had about this almost like regret that I didn't know who she became or who she was at this point in her life.   Not that I had all the control in the situation - but my heart hurts for her family and friends.   I wish I could put my feelings into words more eloquently - but I just don't know how else to describe the way I'm feeling right now.   As the tears stream down my face,  I'm praying for peace for both families of the girls who were taken in that rushing river.  

A post that touched my heart...

So I read this post.

It made me feel so much.  It made me feel like I don't understand people.   So I wrote a comment to Angie - the blog's author because I want her to know that not everyone out there is like those people who did that to her.   So I wrote her a response and I wanted to make sure and share it with all who read my blog.  Please take a look below.  

Dear Angie - I wanted you to know that I found your blog though Adrienne's Blog (Owen) - I'm a single gal looking to adopt; actually better to put it this way - I'm a single gal who's still hoping to get married and then adopt!   I've posted a few comments here and there of encouragement and love.  I've said prayers for you, Audrey, your husband, your girls and the rest of your family.  I check your blog every few days in hopes of seeing how you are doing be it bad or good.  I'm sorry to hear that someone would have mis-represented themselves to you and that is why I wanted to post a comment today so I didn't seem like a blog stalker, who never posts a comment and never lets you know I'm around checking, praying and hoping things will go better for you and your entire family.  I'm here to say that (from knowledge that I've gained in the past year) in my own personal experiences sometimes people take out their hurt on others.  I'm not sure why this is or why they feel compelled to do these things?  I know that my situation is not anywhere near yours...  (I'm sure you haven't had time to check out my blog) but it seems like when things go well in my life others sometimes feel compelled to tear me down.  It's up to me what I do with my hurt and disappointment though - and I choose everyday to keep evolving, changing, and working to be the best person that I can be - the gal that God meant for me to be.  All that being said doesn't take away the hurt that is sometimes caused by and it's not meant to really just that on a daily basis we all have to choose how to react to everything around us.   I want you to know that as much as I don't know you very well and have only read your blog - I enjoy who you are and how you share and that you are honest and caring.  I aspire to be more like that as I evolve into the gal that the Lord meant me to be.  Maybe that is the reason I happened in on your blog about Audrey so that I would see some of the things that are admirable in others.   One never knows why certain people touch our hearts, but I tend to believe it's the Lord's way of sending us in the right direction.... his God breezes. 

Now that I've shared with you all how I feel that God touches our lives - I just wanted to let all of my blog friends who've taken the time to be supportive, caring, and loving to me, my family, and friends that I cherish all of you.   I believe that God brings people together for reasons that may never be known to all of us.   I've prayed for each and everyone of my blog friends and you are all special to me in many different ways.  The fact that I'm inspired and touched by your stories that I learn and am taught and I'm able to share my ideas, feelings, and stories is a wonderful thing for me.   I hope that I help all of you as much as I can as well even if it is in being a sounding board.   I feel blessed to have 'met' each and everyone of you.   Thanks for all you do for me, the Lord, and each other this network is important & so special.   

Update on my Weight Loss

So guess what happened when I stepped on the scale this morning? I am now in the 180's can you believe it? I've lost a total of 77 pounds. Which to me just seems to be amazing! I can't believe that I've come this far. I don't have any recent pictures to put up - but I'm hoping that I might be able to get some soon to put up on my blog. I know it's weird to say this but I don't look anything like the picture that is up for my profile. I'm still working out. Doing lots of training, running, eating right, getting enough sleep and taking care of myself. There are times that I feel like I'm working way too much - but I think that is just a fact of life at this point. I'm looking forward to Easter this coming sunday I asked my mom if we could do a family picture. I would really like to have a family picture that is current. My sister AJ and I have changed so much in a year. So has my niece IV. She has just bloomed into this beautiful little girl. She can count to 3 now! I heard her do it myself! I'm so proud of her! She is a wonderful blessing that I think was made just for me! I'm planning on going 4 wheeling on Saturday with a few friends from my wheeling club. I can't wait to get out and enjoy wheeling in the last of the snow. Maybe I'll find a cute dress that actually fits me for Easter Sunday? Well I better get to bed! I'm a tired girl! Write when you all have time I miss everyone!
MJ
*Also I just want to thank all of you who have reached out to me and sent me comments about the rough times that I've had during my weight loss and it's kind of a weird feeling when things come up like that because I look at it as no matter what I should be happy about my weight loss; but when people do things to tear you down it's just so hard to swallow? It's very hard for me to figure out who are my friends and who are not? It just seems like sometimes people push hard to make things into a competition. I just want to put it out there ... I'm not competing with anyone. I'm getting healthy for myself and my family that I currently have been blessed with and my family in the future - meaning my child/children. I want you all to know how much your support means to me and that I can put myself out there and say what is going on with me. It means a lot! I think change is hard. I mean in general change is hard for all of us; no matter what the change is - for example becoming a parent, starting an adoption, paper chasing, waiting for a referral, losing weight, moving, changing jobs, traveling for your adoption, waiting to be chosen by a birth mother, we are all changing all at times and trying to deal with the roller coasters of our lives no matter what stage we are in. I think the fact of having people to reach out to you for you to lean on and reach back to makes all the difference. The other thing that helps me as an individual is prayer - the fact that it changes me and opens me up to new ways of thinking and lets me vent. I think venting helps me because when others identify with what I'm going through it helps me realize that I'm not alone or isolated which is one of the things that gets people down. I just want to say that I enjoy all of my fellow bloggers. The highs and the lows and reading all about their trials and tribulations. It's great to have all of you as friends. Hope you are doing well!

So Small by Carrie Underwood

So Small Lyrics - by Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah

What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change

And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And then you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else seem
So small

Yeah, yeah

I found this song a week ago on iTunes & I've honestly always loved Carrie Underwood. It's just this song touches my heart. For reasons that I don't even know if I'd be able to explain. God works in mysterious ways that I've only come to learn in the past few years. Not that I didn't believe that God had a hand in my life and destiny; I believe that he's always lead me to where I'm suppose to be but it depends on how I try to resist or if I listen to his "God Breezes" that he sends my way. If my mind is set on what I want and I follow the direction that I feel him pushing me ... I have to believe that road will not only lead me to a more fufilling relationship with God, but also a life full of love and happiness. I met w/ a close friend of mine last night and she pointed out that I've been looking for a sign to go ahead with my adoption. I think she is right that I do need a sign. I need it to 'feel' right. I need to feel cofident that I'll have the finances to support myself and my child to be that I want to adopt. So at this point I'm praying for some light and also looking into some new career opportunities. I'm so close to having all the mishaps that 'happened' last month taken care of and off of my plate - so I can focus on going forward. Thanks to all of you that have been so supportive near and far and especially to my girl ... who I had a wonderful and long chat w/ last night. I've missed spending time w/ you buddy - you know who you are - you and your family are in my prayers as well as all my adoption blog buddies ... luv ya all - MJ