Inspiration & Update as of August 23, 2007

So as I posted on my last blog I’ve been so nervous about turning in my application to CHI! I appreciated all of the wonderful comments that I received from everyone. As much as I’d like to say that I have the money to take out a home equity loan – I’ve only been in my house 3 years as of this month. For raising the funds for my adoption – I’m looking at fundraising and working extra. Or trying to find a job that pays better w/ hours and locations that might make it easier for me to be a single parent. Right now I work about 30 minutes from home and while I was trying to wrap my head around all of this the week that I was going to turn in my application – I just felt overwhelmed by too many what-ifs. So I thought it would be a good idea to head up North on a Sunday and get some 4 wheeling in with some friends, sometimes this helps me put my worries into perspective. While up 4-wheeling – I realized the dealership that maintains my 4 wheeler sent me out onto the trails w/ out any coolant & it overheated. We got coolant and started out again. Then I got the wheeler stuck in some sandy mud & blew the CVT belt and the clutch. I ended up getting towed back to my truck & loaded up and went home – utterly defeated. So I took it into the dealer to get it fixed to find out the repairs would be costing $2500.00 – knowing that the money that I had saved up was the adoption money (and I wouldn’t use that) – I brought it home broken and in pieces. Feeling just pure frustration about trying to go and have a good time and ending up disappointed w/ not only myself, but also my situation. So fast forward a week, because I’m trying to figure out how to get the wheeler fixed (in case I’d want to sell it to help pay for my adoption). On Monday – I get into a car accident. So now my truck is in the shop getting repairs & I’m hoping to get it back this Friday. The question that I’ve been asking myself is it just not the time for me to apply for my adoption or is God just trying to say if you can make it through this rough patch – then you’ll be able to make it through the adoption journey that I’ve laid before you? Which I know that I just have to have faith, but when the world keeps knocking you down – sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to keep everything going in spite of all these obstacles. So if anyone is wondering where I’m at this is why I haven’t turned in my application, but looking on the bright side of things – maybe God is trying to tell me that my child isn’t ready yet. Maybe I need to realize that God’s timing is not what I want it to be & God will decide when the time is right. If anyone has any insights to share let me know. I’m hanging by a thread lately that is why I haven’t posted or placed comments. On the bright side I did read something I really enjoyed on April & Brandon’s Blog.
I found this on April and Brandon's - Baby Girl Smith Blog & I aspire every day to create a loving home like the one that is reflected in the writing below. Thank you April for the inspiration. Some days we all need a little bit of inspiration and in the hard couple of weeks that I've had I think that it's important to reflect on not only where we are at as individuals, but also what we strive to become.

Here is what Angela Thomas Guffey says about grace in her book Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul:

How to Know Where Grace Lives

* All the neighborhood kids want to hang out at the house where grace lives.
* There is always enough for one more where grace lives.... one more for dinner.... one more to sleep over.... one more hug.... one more kiss.
* You can see people dancing where grace lives.
* You can hear things like, "Please forgive me, I was wrong.... You are my treasure..."
* The eyes of the children where grace lives shine with joy and anticipation. They have not been wounded by impossible expectations. They have not been distanced by rejection. They have been embraced and accepted and loved.
* The moms at the house where grace lives are just regular, everyday moms,
But God lives inside them. By His power, they are becoming holy and righteous
And good. They stumble but recover quickly. They make mistakes but say, "I'm
Sorry." They get blown by the winds of heartache and adversity, but their hearts
remain tender toward God.

Inspiration is the key for me right now. Prayer. Positive Thinking! Oh something else I want to share is that I’ve lost 21 lbs in 7 weeks by working out, training, & eating healthy! Albeit all of the problems that I’ve faced I’m still managing to take care of myself. Could that be a sign that if I can make it through all the disasters and still keep on task – that the journey that I’m trying to get started on will work out if I just keep working on it? Thank you all for listening to me pour my heart out. MJ